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Dear boyfriendless,  Congratulations on still having faith in humanity, my puppy and I commend you. The following advice contains tips and pointers that have proven to be universally effective in the boyfriend-gaining field. Additionally, the advice I am about to administer involves a butt-load of sophisticated psychology. So, get your spoon cause you are gonna eat this 5 step program up.  Sort yourself out. Before you can truly be in a relationship, you need to know yourself. This process begins with facing your faults and insecurities. A sound way to do this is by focusing on how messed up other people are by watching reality TV. Basically any date that you can find happening on TV will help you feel better about yourself. If you still can’t find confidence through this methodology, try MTV’s Teen Mom,that’ll do it. After a few episodes or ten, you should find yourself to be a confident, self-aware, beautiful person.  Get your look right. Just like with any other sort of advertising, you need to know your audience. For example: if you are going for lacrosse bros, go ahead and wear neon tank tops and capsacs. If you are going for some dude in a grunge band, wear anything you find at goodwill- or look to the homeless for fashion advice.  Attitude. Love is a battlefield and you need to be prepared. Listen to Nicki Minaj. That’s all there is to this step.  Get your boyfriend-searching on. Location, location, location, ladies. If you are into scruffy dudes, hang around 711. If you want a man in a suit, try any corporate coffee chain. And for that elusive trendy-handsome-but-modest-man: move to Seattle.  Seal the deal. Once you find the one you want, you gotta reel ‘em in girl. Doing this is simple, buy him a pizza. Nothing says “love forever” like a big pepperoni pie, ladies.  Now there you have it. These are only directions, I cannot make you follow the program, I can only lead a horse to water, okay? If you are still struggling, here are some additional pointers based purely on ways that I have found boyfriends: join a band prank call your ex-boyfriend’s friends draw a picture for that hippie in your guitar class become an architecture undergrad, wear plaid have a college radio show, and invite musicians onto your show, (they love that crap) Hope this helps! I got faith in you, single ladies.  XO Tori P.S. for more advice, ask!

Dear boyfriendless, 

Congratulations on still having faith in humanity, my puppy and I commend you. The following advice contains tips and pointers that have proven to be universally effective in the boyfriend-gaining field. Additionally, the advice I am about to administer involves a butt-load of sophisticated psychology. So, get your spoon cause you are gonna eat this 5 step program up. 

  1. Sort yourself out. Before you can truly be in a relationship, you need to know yourself. This process begins with facing your faults and insecurities. A sound way to do this is by focusing on how messed up other people are by watching reality TV. Basically any date that you can find happening on TV will help you feel better about yourself. If you still can’t find confidence through this methodology, try MTV’s Teen Mom,that’ll do it. After a few episodes or ten, you should find yourself to be a confident, self-aware, beautiful person. 
  2. Get your look right. Just like with any other sort of advertising, you need to know your audience. For example: if you are going for lacrosse bros, go ahead and wear neon tank tops and capsacs. If you are going for some dude in a grunge band, wear anything you find at goodwill- or look to the homeless for fashion advice. 
  3. Attitude. Love is a battlefield and you need to be prepared. Listen to Nicki Minaj. That’s all there is to this step. 
  4. Get your boyfriend-searching on. Location, location, location, ladies. If you are into scruffy dudes, hang around 711. If you want a man in a suit, try any corporate coffee chain. And for that elusive trendy-handsome-but-modest-man: move to Seattle. 
  5. Seal the deal. Once you find the one you want, you gotta reel ‘em in girl. Doing this is simple, buy him a pizza. Nothing says “love forever” like a big pepperoni pie, ladies. 

Now there you have it. These are only directions, I cannot make you follow the program, I can only lead a horse to water, okay? If you are still struggling, here are some additional pointers based purely on ways that I have found boyfriends:

  • join a band
  • prank call your ex-boyfriend’s friends
  • draw a picture for that hippie in your guitar class
  • become an architecture undergrad, wear plaid
  • have a college radio show, and invite musicians onto your show, (they love that crap)

Hope this helps! I got faith in you, single ladies. 

XO Tori

P.S. for more advice, ask!


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Dear Teeth-Troubled,  I really appreciate you dropping me a note because this is a great question that we often do not ask ourselves in today’s tooth-whitening-crazed culture. Let me take this moment to remind everyone of a little band called, the Beatles; a wonderful english pop band who broke-up leaving the world in a beautiful-music-deficit. In the face of the devastating break-up, many blamed Yoko while others blamed “creative differences,” but the true cause of the end of the Beatles, was McCartney’s tooth-whitening addiction. After many nights spent with a crest-strip kit, frequent trips to the tooth-whitening kiosk at the local Liverpool mall, and a hand-held mirror at the ready often in front of Paul’s own pearly whites— his behavior and obsession began to take a toll on the legendary band. The rest is history, friends. So I’ll leave you with this, is it worth it? Next time you’re in a world-famous band, and get caught up in the tooth-whitening game, watch. yourself.  Hope this helped!  xo Tori Do you need advice? Have a question about life? Wonder what you should have for dinner? Ask me for advice!

Dear Teeth-Troubled, 

I really appreciate you dropping me a note because this is a great question that we often do not ask ourselves in today’s tooth-whitening-crazed culture.

Let me take this moment to remind everyone of a little band called, the Beatles; a wonderful english pop band who broke-up leaving the world in a beautiful-music-deficit. In the face of the devastating break-up, many blamed Yoko while others blamed “creative differences,” but the true cause of the end of the Beatles, was McCartney’s tooth-whitening addiction.

After many nights spent with a crest-strip kit, frequent trips to the tooth-whitening kiosk at the local Liverpool mall, and a hand-held mirror at the ready often in front of Paul’s own pearly whites— his behavior and obsession began to take a toll on the legendary band. The rest is history, friends.

So I’ll leave you with this, is it worth it? Next time you’re in a world-famous band, and get caught up in the tooth-whitening game, watch. yourself. 

Hope this helped! 

xo Tori

Do you need advice? Have a question about life? Wonder what you should have for dinner? Ask me for advice!


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tori talk.

I didn’t get a degree in art for nothing-

So I’m adding advice-giving, life-question-answering, and dream-interpreting to this dog and pony show.

go wild, let me know what’s going on & I’ll help you make all of the life decisions. 

Stumped for now? Here are some ideas to get us started:

  • I’m making a mix tape for a guy who I secretly want to seduce. How many Ke$ha songs are too many? Or too few?
  • What’s the secret to finding the best pizza in town?
  • How do I get my barista to notice me?
  • Why did Joani love Chachi?
  • Are 90’s Nickelodeon shows acceptable date-conversation?
  • When is Jennifer Aniston going to find true love?
  • What’s my spirit animal?
  • How many happy puppies are there in the world?


THEME BY PIXIE-LIKE